A Testimony of Lamentation

My pastor asked me to share a personal testimony at church of a time or situation where I’ve felt grief, lament, and experienced God’s presence. This is an edited version of what I shared on 06/26/2022 at West Covina Christian Church. If you want to see me share it you can watch it on the church’s recording of that service:

My story of lament is the story of how I ended up not finishing my undergrad college degree. To understand it though, I need to share a little bit more about what led me to college to begin with. My middle school and high school years were a very tumultuous time – I struggled with depression and some of the issues that come with that. I also identified as a Christian. Even though I had an abstract understanding of God’s personal love for me, I often did not feel worthy of it – so I never let myself feel it. Through a miracle of grace, I made it through those teen years – God made it clear to me that my life was not worthless AND that there was purpose to be found in living a life dedicated to God’s glory.

I took that feeling, made it my own, and held it tightly to my heart. As a junior in high school, I applied to BIOLA University (a Christian college in La Mirada, CA) and decided that going to that school and graduating was the next step in being able to do whatever “great” thing God wanted me to do for his glory.

College was very challenging for me. I registered for 18 units in my first semester. I was also working two part time jobs. I was also trying to help my family at home by caring for my younger sister and my autistic younger brother. Looking back it is somewhat of a miracle that I even made it into college at all. I barely knew anything about the actual logistics of getting into and “doing” college – registering for classes, financial aid, how classes and tests actually work. I had few established friends or relationships at the school. I had received some scholarships but also had taken out loans.

The walls began to close in. The longer I went the more stressed I became. I was barely holding it together – my family, my jobs, my schooling. I FELT like I had no one to talk to who would understand. Some days, I’d have a harder time getting my brother out the door to school and I’d miss a morning class. Missing one morning class snowballed into more missed classes – assignments piled up, group projects piled up, and bit by bit I was overwhelmed.

I cried a lot in those days. I felt like I was trying to do the things God called me to and it just felt more and more impossible. I kept looking around at my peers; They seemed so carefree – things seemed so easy for them. They did not seem weighed down by jobs or loans or family obligations – and if they did, they certainly seemed to handle it all so much better than I was. I did not resent them for it, but I was intensely jealous.

By the end of my time at BIOLA, I had abandoned my classes; I didn’t know to drop them; I didn’t know I could talk to my professors. I felt backed into a corner of my own creation, alone, trapped, and without hope.

I began frequenting a small chapel on campus – few people went there. And it was there that I would prostrate myself on the floor and pray and weep. And maybe it would be more accurate to say that my prayers were weeping. I was scared, guilty, and ashamed. I had again hit rock bottom in my life, even though I thought I could not do so again. It felt like all my hopes and dreams had evaporated.

It was in this small chapel that even in my deep deep sorrow, God met me. I don’t recall what I prayed, but I do know that the time I spent in that chapel was intensely spiritual and before God.

“Why me?”

“What do I do now?”

“How am I going to deal with my debt?”

“Why can’t I have what I want?”

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because[a] the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

Romans 8:26-27

Finally, I remember a voice that said:

“This is not the end. You think that this is the only avenue by which you can serve me and you are wrong. There is honor and purpose in doing the job you have and supporting your family. That is not any less ‘glorifying’ to me than if you were a Pastor, Teacher, or Missionary.”

Those words didn’t take away my grief and sorrow, but they reminded me that God was personally attentive to me, and that he was helping me to understand and move through my pain. Even though I ended up dropping out of school and letting go of those dreams, God has never ceased to reassure me of his presence in my life and his provision.